questions...

I'm still able to walk. It's been two months off of Chantix. And thanks to my photographer friend, Becky, she was able to capture this "miracle" through her lens. Truth be known, I didn't know how it would go. The whole walking thing. The photo shoot was a blast. (www.beetreephotography.blogspot.com)
"Becky, don't freak if I fall. I'm use to it."
I didn't! I'm sure Becky was relieved, as was I...and quite happy.
The fact that I am still able to walk with Delsie causes me to ask some questions? Which admittedly, leads to worry and before long I am taking a ride on the slippery slope. I was awake at three in the morning with tears dripping down my cheeks. And eventually sweat seeping out of my pores...at three in the morning.
Did something switch over in my brain during the study? Did the Chantix re-wire things? Will it last? Will it get better? Will it get worse? Is this it? My life- this- is this it? FA. Will they find a cure? Am I doing enough?
Panic starts to set in. So I attempt to take a deep breath and realize this is nothing I can control. I must embrace the journey. Seek the hope. There is always hope in the journey. And these photos remind me of that.
Thanks, Becky. For that gift. I am drinking it in...and hoping for a full night of sleep tonight.
I have been on the supplement for two weeks. I am feeling like talking is easier again. I am not thinking about forming my words. And just maybe the vitamin is protecting my heart, too.
But the supplement is not the only thing that is protecting me with this FA...God totally has my back. Every. Single. Day. 3 AM or 3 PM.

who's keeping score?

I was in a busy mall with one of my brother-in-laws the other day. It is not often that we hang out. It was eye opening to him.
"I totally feel famous walking with you, Holly."
"Believe me, Robert, they are staring at Delsie not me."

I am okay with this. The stares and comments are not directed at me. Delsie is beautiful. She's intriguing. And certainly something to be in awe of. She takes the pressure off of me emotionally and physically. We have been a team now for nine years. I have been in a wheelchair four of those nine years. I know the questions and comments and can even predict the passer-by who is going to gawk. It is typical for kids to stop and watch and say, "COOL, DOG!"

That is, until this morning. A boy about 9 yrs old was getting off the elevator as I was waiting to get on. Once he stepped out into the hallway and I moved forward, I could feel him staring. "Here we go," I thought, preparing for the typical questions. As Delsie and I turned to push the button of the floor we needed, the boy was stopped and staring wide-eyed at us. I tried to brake his stare with a "Hi." His stare broke as we made eye-contact. His eyes were wide and his mouth hung open as he exclaimed,"COOL, WHEELCHAIR!!"

This observation warmed my heart and made me laugh. The elevator door shut and I looked down to see if Delsie felt jilted this time. I think she's okay with it.

The score remains: Delsie: 7,678 Wheelchair: 1