time to dream.

I had a conversation with a friend today that made me stop in my tracks. She told me she is learning it is okay to dream. Not the go to sleep and let your mind create a story kind of dream. But rather the kind of dreaming that you ask yourself who you are and what you want your future to be.
Somewhere along my journey, I stopped doing that. I have let the unknown grow bigger and stronger than who I want to be or even SHOULD be. Ouch. The honest truth is that I'm scared to dream because in the back of my mind I think, 'it's not going to come true anyway'. I don't want to set myself up for more disappointment. I have enough grief in my life.
In late October, I began my fourth clinical study at USF in Tampa, Florida. My home away from home. Every study has brought its own set of challenges but for some reason this one has been extremely difficult. Both physically and emotionally.  I've allowed the fear of "what ifs" get in the way. And more importantly, the "what ifs" in my life are immediately negative instead of viewing them as possibilities.
I returned Saturday after a week long of intense testing. So many blood draws, walking 25 feet, blood draws, attempting to ride a stationary bike, blood draws, breathing, blood draws, finger to  nose,  blood draws, EKG's and did I mention a lot of blood draws?

And to top it all off, I fell flat on my face that required a CT scan, a x-ray and a visit to a doctor not related to the study for medical clearance as I fractured my nose in the fall.

Two weeks before my visit I began a low polyunsaturated fat diet. PUFA. Who even knew that was a thing?? This low PUFA stuff is going to be the death of me. I have to journal everything I eat and the amount I consume. Extremely laborious.

Fortunately, this study is over the middle of December. I am pretty sure I will become the 400 lb. girl with FA when it's all said and done. I think the days of being gluten-free will be no longer. This girl needs to eat!!!
And I need to dream. And believe that He can make my dry bones come alive! 

I need to have hope and the confidence that this will be worth it in the end.

In the meantime, I will trust and focus on his gifts.

I leave again Sunday with the courage to dream. So tonight I will lay my head on my pillow as the tears fall and begin to rest in the dream that one day this world will be free from FA. That has to happen. It will happen.