FEAR

I hate bad "Ataxia" days. They are difficult to explain and even endure. I often say "this, too, shall pass" and one day it will. Maybe it won't be until the day I look Jesus in the face. Most of the time I am okay with that. But tonight, Day #16, is a different story.
I am scared for the first time since this whole study began.
This week, Tuesday, I increased the pills to 15mg, only after I fell while getting ready for work. If it weren't for Delsie and my stubbornness I would have been the perfect candidate for the commercial- "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" It was down hill from there-my spoon full of yogurt had a life of it's own and became next to impossible to bring it to my mouth. My co-worker and I laughed as she witnessed the whole thing. I knew it was a bad ataxia day. Later on that day, enjoying a Beach Bum ice cream from Captain Sundae, the Ataxia struck again and my dessert landed on my lap. A couple of hours later we discovered hot fudge dripping down my office walls. (Today I spotted my nephews face to be covered with a left-over blob of chocolate I missed in a family photo I have framed on my desk) It was a bad Ataxia day.
I have lived with FA long enough now to relish the time of night when I can crawl in bed and tell myself, tomorrow will be a new day. I lived through another day with FA.
On Wednesday I felt nauseous all day. Not much of an appetite. This is not unusual for me. A week from now I could consume more food at meal time than the food my three brother-in-laws eat, put together!
So when I answered the investigators questions today, it sent a little warning flag to Dr. Z. She called me tonight and my fear kicked in. Not because of her but because the words, "long-term effects" and "awful side effects" were thrown around. The severity of this clinical study became a reality to me. Two of the seven patients in the study responded great on the drug and noticed improvements. Three people had the adverse effect and were told to stop the drug. The "damage" is irreversible. I, however, am on the fence as the bad Ataxia days aren't necessarily a cause of the drug- I could be on the sugar pill for Pete's sake! (who's Pete, anyway?)By the end of my conversation with Dr. Z it was decided I would stay on this course until we determine if it's a cycle thing and has nothing to do with this drug. If the bad Ataxia days far outweigh the good ones then we will discontinue the drug. At this point, it is a mystery why some patients respond well and others get worse.
It's not a question of why Dr. Z is who she is, wired the way God designed her. She knows her stuff and I have complete trust in her decisions.
Tonight, my selfishness is in the way and I am not trusting the process. But as Beth Moore shared in my Bible Study this week, God doesn't take you "from" without a "to"...
So, "from" a person with a degenerative disorder called FA "to" a person with a little hope of a treatment or cure for FA, I won't give up.
My feelings scream for me to quit but it's my faith that tells me otherwise.
Day #20 is when the drug (if I am taking it) should kick in. Let's hope I am one who responds well to it.
I am anxious to call it a night and remind myself of the acronym False Evidence Appearing Real
has no place in my life.
Tomorrow is a new day.