This past weekend I witnessed my nephew say, "I do" to his girlfriend of three years. The following day I hugged my niece good-bye for her second semester of her freshman year of college. It wasn't until the hotel door shut that I bawled. And I mean bawled.
Time has flown by and The Cousin Sleepovers are a thing of the past. Life continues and new memories are made.
Not being a mom is one of things in my life that stings. And not being married, hurts. It's the one area that makes me feel less than, patronized and lonely. Even writing those words makes me cringe. I fear the responses of people who mean well but only magnify how my life seems misunderstood.
But what I can't do is misunderstand how big God is. He is confusing but not discouraging. I can't view him through a distorted lens. I need to accept He is God. And thank God, I'm not.
Indeed, I would write my story differently. I'd be married, live somewhere warm, be a special education teacher and be a mom to twins. A boy and girl.
That's not my story.
So I live in this tension of wanting and waiting. Which turns into trusting. Believing the journey I am on is the exact story He's writing.
The life of less than, patron ism and loneliness is a lie. I can't live in that.
I choose to live in the moment. That moment may look like the ugly cry as my niece gets on a plane to college. Or it may mean watching my nephew drive away in a car marked JUST MARRIED. But it's His story, I just need to be faithful.
Don't misunderstand me, that doesn't mean I have to like it.
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| I do like this guy, though. all gussied up for my nephews wedding. :) |
I love your heart, transparentcy and so many more things that make up who you are. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Holly! My name is Sharon and we have a few things in common. I'm from Holland. I graduated from HHS and went to CWC. I certainly knew who you where, but you wouldn't know me. I'm about 9 years younger than you. I happen to live in TN, which I know is one of your unfulfilled dreams. The weather is certainly better than west Michigan, but I miss the Lake terribly. I ache for Tulip Time, Tunnel Park, and Captain Sundae. I also got my M.A. from Cornerstone, so we have that in common too. At the age of 35, I'm single. In fact, I've never had a boyfriend. Most of the time I'm quite content, but there are days when my heart cries. I spent all morning helping my sister set up her 10th anniversary party. I wonder if I'll ever had one myself. Like you, I have a chronic, degenerative disease. It's not life threatening, but it has stolen several of my dreams. I don't really have anything to tell you that you don't already know. I just wanted to reach out because, honestly, it made me feel better. I pray that you will remain content in God's promises for your life. If you happen to make it to Heaven before me, please say hi to Zachary Heuhnergarth for me. He was one of my favorite people.
ReplyDeletep.s. I attended Holland Heights, and not having your dad in 5th grade was one of my childhood sorrows.
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