the passing of the baton.

Reading my previous post and reflecting on that bittersweet day, I am aware of how I left out a lot of little (big) gifts that were given to me. The older I get, more junk seems to come my way. This hard, awful time of ending my relationship with Delsie makes me keenly aware of the good amongst the bad. Just like FA. Full of bad but tons of good. I just need to look or listen or both, look and listen.
A couple of hours before Delsie's last breath, my family and I were sitting together around her in my family room. I plopped myself right next to her on the floor. I needed to be as close to her as possible. This would be a good time to tell you that Delsie wasn't a fan of other dogs-not even Barkley. She bit him when I came home with him after team training. They ignored each other from then on.
Barkley knew something was up. Just as I wouldn't  leave Delsie's side, Barkley didn't want to leave mine.

Barkley got up to walk around the room, getting extra loving from my family. Upon circling around, he moved to Delsie's bed where she gathered enough energy to lift her head and check him out. Barkley stepped on her bed and was inches away from Delsie's raised head and proceeded to give her two big licks on her head. It was at that moment that the conversation in the room ceased. I will never forget the gift that was given to me as I watched Delsie lean into Barkley's licks.
It was as if Barkley told Delsie, "I got this now. I'll take good care of her." The way Delsie leaned into those licks made me believe she said, "I trust you."
The good and bad. Life with FA.
Bittersweet.

it was time to say good bye.

It is hard to believe this day has come. The time that I don't see her sweet face staring out the window as I drive off to work for the day. The memory of her snoring and the sound of her paws on the hard wood floor are fading. I can still see her tail wagging as I call out to my pretty girl. I miss the brown eyes always staring at my every move. The way she could make me dry heave with her farts that came from a very fragile digestive system was impressive. She helped me face FA head on. Her intensity was a strength and a weakness. Her goal was to make my life easier. And she did.
I had to say good bye to my first service dog, Delsie, on Friday December 6, 2013. Man, those are hard words to write.
This entry is selfish. I am not going to apologize for that. I long to have a permanent record of her life. To say she changed mine would be an understatement. But she did. And so much more.
On Thursday, December 5 I attended a woman's Christmas gathering at church with all of my sisters and my mom. I work at the church so I made arrangements with my mom that she would stop by to feed Delsie before the event. I stayed at work and would meet them there. I was a little nervous that Delsie may not eat or even show interest in her food. My mom confirmed my concern when I saw her. During the program, I found myself teary as I reflected on Delsie and how much she meant to me. Looking back, I am confident that God was preparing me.
When I arrived home I knew something was up as she wasn't there, greeting me at the door. I immediately started to cry. I made eye contact with my mom as she was hovered over a heavy panting Delsie at the end of the hard wood floor hallway. My mom couldn't lift her up. Dels was too exhausted to help. I called my friend, Anna and explained Delsie wasn't doing well and asked if she would come over to help her to the family room. I knew it was time.
Anna, my mom and I sat in my family room crying. I remember, I kept saying, I don't know if I can do this.
Anna left and my mom slept over. We each made a bed surrounding Delsie that night.
The next day all three of my sisters and my dad came over. We laughed and cried and laughed and cried some more. One of my sisters called Delsie's vet and we could bring her in right then. I told my family I wanted them there. Delsie needed to know how loved she was. I wanted that love to surround her as she took her last breath.
And it did. Her head was on my lap as she drifted off. My family circled us as we sat on the floor. Through my sobs I thanked her for giving me my life back and let her know I loved her. So, so much. I always will.My pretty girl.
FA has taken a lot from me. But FA gave me Delsie. And for that, I am forever grateful.
I miss you like crazy, Delsie.