Honestly, that freaks me out to say that. If I say it, then I have to believe it. I am not sure I can even explain it.
This is why it's crucial that I look around and see Him working behind the scenes, reminding me that He loves me.
Gulp. That just made my heart drop. I have that lump in my throat as I think about the little ways he "winks" at me, Through people, through songs, through warmth...He Is.
If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times, "Holly, you are so strong." If you were outside with me on my deck this morning, you'd think twice saying that. I hung up with Wings of Mercy completely frustrated after spending a massive amount of time and energy yesterday wondering if they were able to fly me to Florida today. I did say today. I hung up the phone and cried. Not a little whimper with a tiny tear streaming down my cheek kind of cry. It was a maddening scream accompanied by crocodile tears and snot. Lots of both that required a stiff paper napkin to wipe up my hot mess. I wasn't strong at all. I was so mad. I was extremely disappointed. I was really frustrated. And I was terribly scared. I was everything BUT strong.
I am suppose to be in Florida as I type and listen to this song on repeat. (click on "this song" to hear it) After a month of being confident of my flight to my appointment, I was finally told at 2:30 PM that the flight was a no go. It was at this point that I kicked in "do mode". Hotel and car cancellations. Flight reservations. Phone calls made. Texts sent. Emails forwarded.
He Is. Even in that moment. He Is in that moment when I am not strong.
And that's okay. That's why He Is.
HE ALWAYS IS.
Especially when I am not.
I have no clue why I am flying commercial tomorrow. I have no idea why I will miss my scheduled appointment. I am not sure why I have to stay down there longer than planned. I may never know.
At least I was able to work a little later. At least I made a friend at the airline that found a flight for me. At least I have a mom and dad who love me and will do anything for me. At least I have awesome doctors at USF that are flexible when the unforeseen happen. At least I now have the time to meet up with a new friend while I'm there. At least I am surrounded by great friends who let me vent and make me smile. At least there is no snow and I can walk to work. At least Barkley can't talk and allows me to have temper tantrums. At least they are moving forward to a cure for FA!
At least...
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| screening two years ago to see if I qualified for this study |
