There are a lot of "at least"...

When I don't know what to do with my feelings, I turn my music REALLY loud. Or I write. And my emotions are all over the place so I am doing both tonight. It's time to get grounded. I need to take a step back. Look at the whole picture. Get a grip. Hang on. Even if it is only a tiny piece of thread. Because for some odd reason, this little string will bring me somewhere. I know the pieces will tie together. Maybe not now. Probably not the way I want them too fit but it WILL happen. Some way. Some where. Some how. It's okay to trust in that. In Him.
Honestly, that freaks me  out to say that. If I say it, then I have to believe it. I am not sure I can even explain it.
This is why it's crucial that I look around and see Him working behind the scenes, reminding me that He loves me.
Gulp. That just made my heart drop. I have that lump in my throat as I think about the little ways he "winks" at me, Through people, through songs, through warmth...He Is.
If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times, "Holly, you are so strong." If you were outside with me on my deck this morning, you'd think twice saying that. I hung up with Wings of Mercy completely frustrated after spending a massive amount of time and energy yesterday wondering if they were able to fly me to Florida today. I did say today.  I hung up the phone and cried. Not a little whimper with a tiny tear streaming down my cheek kind of cry. It was a maddening scream accompanied by crocodile tears and snot. Lots of both that required a stiff paper napkin to wipe up my hot mess. I wasn't strong at all. I was so mad. I was extremely disappointed. I was really frustrated. And I was terribly scared. I was everything BUT strong.
I am suppose to be in Florida as I type and listen to this song on repeat. (click on "this song" to hear it) After a month of being confident of my flight to my appointment, I was finally told at 2:30 PM that the flight was a no go. It was at this point that I kicked in "do mode". Hotel and car cancellations. Flight reservations. Phone calls made. Texts sent. Emails forwarded.
He Is. Even in that moment. He Is in that moment when I am not strong.
And that's okay. That's why He Is.
HE ALWAYS IS.
Especially when I am not.
I have no clue why I am flying commercial tomorrow. I have no idea why I will miss my scheduled appointment. I am not sure why I have to stay down there longer than planned. I may never know.
At least I was able to work a little later. At least I made a friend at the airline that found a flight for me. At least I have a mom and dad who love me and will do anything for me. At least I have awesome doctors at USF that are flexible when the unforeseen happen. At least I now have the time to meet up with a new friend while I'm there. At least I am surrounded by great friends who let me vent and make me smile. At least there is no snow and I can walk to work. At least Barkley can't talk and allows me to have temper tantrums. At least they are moving forward to a cure for FA!
 At least...

screening two years ago to see if I qualified for this study

He Is.