I love and hate FA.

I love this photo about as much as I hate it. It makes me remember how hot it was this summer. I loved it. I hate that it's the past and as I pulled the hood up on my sweatshirt and turned on the heat this morning, I started thinking of the past. And then I saw this photo. I love it and hate it. I went camping this summer with my family and not just for a night- the whole entire week. 10 days. In a tent. In 90 degree weather. And Michigan humidity. With my entire family. My mom and dad. My 3 older sisters and their husbands. My 9 nephews and nieces. And Delsie. Delsie and me. I remember when I first returned as a team with D, I was determined to walk on this very beach with just her aiding me. And I did. That's my Delsie. Here I am, 10 years later making another memory with her. Maybe my last one camping with her. So I hate this photo, too. I can't rewind. FA has progressed. I can't walk. I am in a wheelchair. And now Delsie is retired. Oh, how love this photo. Oh, how I hate it.
11 more days until I meet Mr. Barkley for the very first time. It's surreal. I can't believe I am at this point. Not really knowing how to feel. One minute I am elated and so excited with the addition of Barkley. The next minute I am completely overwhelmed and totally uncertain with my decision to pursue a successor dog. This week a friend of mine told me it was probably similar to the time in her life when she was preparing for her second child. She went on to tell me the anticipation was much worse. How I hope she is right.

Then I snap out of the funk of regrets and look at photos like these of my nephews and nieces...and smile. We made a memory. Me and D. She gave me my life back that FA tried so desperately to take away from me. I won't have it. Delsie won't allow it. And now Barkley will join in the fight and tag team with us. Delsie is retired. My palms are sweating as I type those words. I can't look back. I need to look forward and trust that God has my back. Barkley is my successor dog. I have been so consumed with the preparation that in a bizarre way I forget I have FA. Seriously. That's weird, I know. But I have been carrying on as if my life is normal. And nothing about having FA is normal. I found that out Saturday morning as my forehead caught my fall on the bathroom tile. Shoot. I have FA. That's right. That's why I have been blessed with Delsie and soon, Barkley in my life. Every fall is humbling and a bit terrifying as I live this life on earth with FA. I don't pretend to get it. It hurts. A lot. Both physically and mentally.
But I crawl back in my wheelchair. Cry a bit. Shake it off. And know in spite of this love/hate relationship with FA and a goose egg on the forehead, I am not going to let it win.


Ready or not, here I come Barkley.