love fully.

Lately, I have this fear that if I start crying, I may not stop. And for those who know me, if you look up the definition of ugly cry in the dictionary you would find a photo of me. It ain't pretty. Not only is it not pretty, my ugly cry takes over any form of communicating that I may be attempting at that moment. I can't cry and talk at the same time.
With that being said, I have been trying really hard not to cry. It's not that there are not hard things that I am going through. Lord knows that there are many relationships that I avoid investing in recently because it just seems too hard. I recognize that this is not a good place to be. It is what it is.
That is, until my friends came over with dinner from one of my favorite local restaurants. As we sat eating rice and tacos and pointing out moments in our lives where we have experienced God's grace, I could feel the lump in my throat growing bigger and bigger. Crap. 'Snap out of it, Holly. Think of happy thoughts.' The pep talk was in vain. The damn broke and for the next twenty minutes I gave way to the ugly cry: snorts and all.
You maybe wondering why is this worthy of a blog post? It's purely selfish but I need to remind myself that God is still working even during the loud silence.
I am not sure how much my friends understood. There wasn't even a resolution to the hurt. But that's what made it so great. They allowed me to be me. We hugged, we cried, we blew our schnozes, we got mad and we laughed. It was real. It was honest. It was hard. It was so refreshing.
Those times when I hear people tell me that I am so strong, I will think back to this memory of sharing my ugly cry with friends eating El Rancho around my kitchen table.
These past few days has jarred the way in which we view life in light of the horrific tragedy that took place in Newtown, CT Friday morning. We will never be the same. Nor should we. I was watching an interview in which one of the people who was questioned about how we should respond to the evil simply responded, love fully.
Wow. Love fully.
Living with FA is becoming more and more isolating. But it CAN be so refreshing when I learn to love fully. I am so thankful that my friends lived out Romans 12:15 that says, " Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep." My ugly cry and all.

And they are total dog lovers...