facing the monster: not "just a"...

I'm in a weird place right now. I know a lot has to do with being down for the count for the past three weekends. And when I say down for the count, that is no exaggeration. After feeling like I was back after the whole kidney stone ordeal, I was no sooner hit with a nasty cold virus. It's just a cold, I know. But with FA nothing is defined by "just a...". Having FA is the foundation that effects every aspect of my life. The majority of my life I attempt to live it as if FA is not a part of me. But man, this past month has done nothing but remind me that living this life is hard. And I have spent a lot of time lately hating it and fearing the future. More specifically, the weekend. Dreading what is going to happen to me. Not a fun way to live.
I am continually having a one way conversation with God. I tell Him that I feel as if I am just taking up space. I remind Him for the zillionth time that I can't live this way forever. I confess that I am lonely, scared, angry, confused, disappointed. I know He gets it. That is not what I'm doubting.
It was rather timely in my Bible study of Nehemiah last week, when the speaker on the DVD began to challenge those who were bored. My living room is filled with eight incredible women who are all wives and working moms. One of the gals chuckled when that comment was made and said, "Uh, like any of us are bored!"  Like many times in my life, I wish I would have remained silent but rather I quickly responded, "I am."
I seriously wanted to fall flat on my face in the middle of my living room floor and pound my fists into the ground and kick my legs like a three year old having a temper tantrum. Fortunately, I didn't. Not only would that have been totally inappropriate but it would have been totally misunderstood. In no way am I ripping on my Bible study babes. I really think they would be right there on the floor with me. I feel that it was "just a" FA moment. Something that makes me feel so isolated in this life yet teaches me so much.
I know this life is temporary. My heart needs to catch up with my head.
It's my heart that overflowed when my sister emailed a paper that her oldest daughter wrote entitled: Facing the Monster With Her Dog By Her Side. (Great title if you ask me) The paper goes on by her writing,
"Aunt Holly is the strongest person I know. She has a disability called Friedreich's Ataxia.
My aunt always says, "Kennedy, you are beautiful. How was your day?" I always am amazed
because she genuinely cares about me before herself. She is kind, and an amazing Christian and
definitely challenges me in my faith. Aunt Holly is really the closest thing to perfect. She is the perfect example for me in my life.''

Kennedy as the beautiful freshman rep on the Homecoming  Court. And me on total drugs from kidney stones.

These words have nestled into my core when I read them. Although I feel as if I am just taking up space, I need to realize that it's not "just a"...it's so much bigger. And I am no where near perfect.