writing why I don't write.

I was out with a friend the other day and she told me I needed to write. She followed up her instruction with my next blog entry,"You need to write why you aren't writing."
 "Okay." I replied sheepishly. I even proceeded to get out my phone. I pretended I was putting it in my notes app to save as a reminder. I totally didn't. Honestly, I blew the idea off. In a second I decided that I don't write because I have nothing to say. Duh. However, as quickly as I formed this answer in my mind she blurted out, "Holly, you have something to say." Gulp. I didn't ask her if she was a mind reader. I just gave her a half smile and shrugged my shoulders.
Since our conversation, I had some of these excuses run through my head, 'It's not that I say anything that hasn't been said before., I am not some profound writer with a fan club who hangs on my every word., Writing is hard... BUT she is right. I do have something to say. Not because of me. Because of Him. God. This story is not mine to keep. He is the one working in me to give me the grace to live. It's hard. Very overwhelming. Completely lonely. Somewhat confusing. Absolutely exacerbating. I'm desperate. For Him. And that's right where he wants me.
I owe it to Him to put my raw feelings on paper. It isn't my story. Yes, I'm living it. My body is the one afflicted with FA. My butt is the one stuck in this wheelchair. It's my decision to rely on a service dog to help me get around. I am the one that falls if I don't concentrate or even if I concentrate. BUT it's my soul that longs to be at peace with Him. And I mean, really at peace. Content. And all of this is only temporary.
I don't write because the majority of time I don't feel that way. I don't. This momentary life feels like it will last forever. I listen to my negative voice a lot. I fake a smile quite a bit. My laughter sometimes is used as a way of redirecting the moment of truth.
At the core of who I am, I love God. That's weird, I know. I am motivated by the one who could heal me in a second. Yep, I am.
And so I don't write because I put down on paper words like that. I am fearful of being misunderstood. I am scared of being patronized. And these words make me accountable to be real in my faith.
I love what Bob Goff tweeted this morning. "We keep asking for more proof; God keeps saying our lives are more proof."   And I adore Goff's response when a follower asked him if he was speaking of existential or empirical proof? And here was Bob Goff's reply, "Oh my, I don't even know what that means...just enjoying God this morning. Hope you have a terrific weekend."
Absolutely hilarious. And so profound. I just need to enjoy God. I think for me, that means I need to write. Not just when it's easy or convenient. In the mess, too.
Life is messy. And beautiful.
Yes, even with FA.

There, Jo, I said it.
Therefore, I wrote it.

Posting this photo may teach Jo to think twice before she speaks into my life again. :) 

 

Love you, Jo!