one day...

I don't get it. This life is a mess. I don't fit in. I don't want to waste my energy to try to figure it out. I want to be okay with the grey, the ugly. Life can't fit into a box. There is no correct way from A to Z. My path is not straight. It never will  be nor do I want it to be neat. I don't want to fit into this life. It hurts. It's ugly. It's confusing. It's lonely. This life. The one I have been given to live with Friedreich's Ataxia.
Ataxia.  A disease that I am not very thankful for. A  disability that robs me of so much. A diagnosis that has changed the course of my life. It's so messy. And FA makes me feel all of those things and much more that only God and my dog knows.
But tonight I am so grateful Ataxia became a part of me. Because of this dreadful disease, I met the Veldink family. And if you are blessed to know them like me, you know what a gift you have been given. Two of their three girls have been diagnosed with AT, another form of ataxia. Today, Olivia, entered the arms of Jesus.
Every fiber of my being is screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It's not fair. Livi can't be gone from this life. She was only in seventh grade. My heart aches for her older sisters, Abby and Kate. I weep for her parents Dave and Mary.
But I trust  that Livi is okay. She is more than okay. She is experiencing beauty for the first time.  Beauty so crisp and  vibrant and clean. It's no longer grey for Liv. It's bright. I believe it all makes sense to her.
So tonight I cry. Tears stream down my cheek because I am still in this life. But I am thankful for Ataxia. That sounds weird, I know. Almost fake. Trite. But nothing about AT or FA is false. Olivia, Kate and myself know that firsthand. Along with Veldinks and countless others, we are fighting like mad to eliminate this awful thing called Ataxia.
And one day, we will join Liv and tell her thank you for really living in this messy, ugly, unfair world. Your sweet smile and priceless giggle will keep us going. You will never be forgotten Olivia.

left to right: Olivia, me and Kate

And hopefully one day, Ataxia will be...I'll see you soon, Liv.
Meet the Veldink's: click here.