Earlier this month a friend of mine prayed that I would dig down to the root of my fear. And immediately I cringed. I began telling myself that it would be too scary to expose my vulnerability. I allowed myself to believe that it would be easier to skim the surface of my life than tear down the walls that I have built that I think are protecting me. That, my friends, is what is false.
So, I begin to dig. To start blogging again. And to stop believing the lies. I need to recognize that my doubt does not equal unbelief. I want to breathe again.
I have created FA to be this ugly, monstrous, all-consuming thing in my life. Somewhere along the way it has robbed me of pure joy. It's held me hostage in my own body and I have given in to the tears that fall on my pillow almost every night. FA convinced me that it would be easier to do life alone. I've become accustom to isolation.
I hate FA. I really do. But I hate even more that it's fostered this FEAR in my life. It's reality that my body is deteriorating. A lot of things are much harder to do. The fact is that this disgusting disease in my body can not be avoided. The losses are insurmountable and continual. I hate FA.
The other day I took advantage of the nicer weather and walked home. I was in my own little world as I played out different aspects in my life that were causing fear. I wasn't in a good space in my head. But unfortunately this was a common place for me. FEAR was winning.
That is until a bright, yellow Ford focus pulled over onto the curb in front of the sidewalk I was on. A young girl in her 20's with cute yoga pants and blond, wispy hair pulled back in a pony tail poignantly walked over to me.
"I know you!" I seriously had no clue who she was. She proceeded to state things about me that led me to believe she did know who I was. I still didn't know who she was but for some reason that didn't make me critical of the things she said next;
"When I drove by you I had this overwhelming sense of joy come over me, I knew I had to turn around and tell you that."
I hate to admit it but usually at this point I am rolling my eyes like when an acronym is used. I typically become critical and would blow off her comments.
For some odd reason, I embraced this strange encounter. I even teared up and thanked her for the courage it took to approach me.
We prayed together, right there on the corner of 29th & Ottawa.
"I have no idea what you're going through but you need to know all I see is joy."
I listened to that. In fact, I'm choosing to be motivated by that. Fear has no place here.
Just as my friend prayed, I'm digging deep.
Oh Holly. You, my friend, are such a treasure. I seriously need to walk over and invade your isolation and space and hang with you and Barkley. You have shown the folks in your world what it is to be vulnerable, honest, real. What it means to suffer and struggle. Thank you. Like I said, you are a treasure. Thank you for being YOU.
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