Easier said than done.

The other day I heard someone quote A.W. Tozer and I can't get it out of my mind. Honestly, it's driving me nuts.  These few words are propelling me to look at my life through a different lens.

 “It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.” ― A.W. Tozer

Most days, I struggle to say or even believe that FA is a blessing. This disability has drastically changed the course of my life forever. The majority of the time, I hate living with FA. Often times, I am trapped in a body that won't work and that spirals into my mind filled with negative thoughts. But what I can try to communicate and even trust is that God is real. And because of FA, I am able to notice the blessings. I am wounded deeply but I want to be used greatly.

That scares the daylights out of me. I have no clue what that even looks like. But those simple words can have a profound effect on the way I do life. I just need to let them take root. Easier sad than done, I know. Believe me, I know.

I can't even count how many times I have said to friends 'I don't get it.' in the past two weeks. There are people in my life that are enduring a hurt so deep that makes absolutely no sense. I texted one of these friends over the holiday weekend, knowing it would be a tough time for her. She responded honestly in her text, "It's hard. I'm not a fan of holidays." As I inhaled, I exhaled these words in my response, "Yeah, holidays are hard when you're hurting. I guess I've been hurting for a long time."

I have been in pain for awhile. And I'm not referring to the physical struggle.  It's the emotional pain that's tripping me up. The ongoing disappointments that clog my thoughts with darkness. And major doubt. Along with an all consuming fear. I need to see the road of FA as a destination and not a detour. Easier said than done, I know. Trust me, I know.

That's my problem. I can't believe or even trust my feelings. My feelings are my downfall. It's my faith that I should focus on. I need to believe Him and trust that He doesn't waste a second of this pain. He loves me. He hates FA. Just like He loves you and hates whatever is causing you to hurt.

As I get older, I'm okay with saying I don't get it. I may never understand it. And that's okay. As long as I'm loving the one who does.
Thy Will Be Done. (click on the link and you'll hear the song I can't stop playing) Or read the words from St. Theresa's prayer hanging over Barkley's bed. And just breathe.

Easier said than done.

Unfortunately, I know.