#battleready

I have a brain scan tomorrow. Those are five words I never thought would come out of my mouth. And yet, here I am. This is really happening. I have cancer. So bizarre for me to say. Difficult to wrap my mind around. I have a masters in counseling and don't think I am in denial. I'm not mad. I'm not numb. I'm not sad. I'm just me. I'm here. Those days of anger, shock and self pity may come. I might face them a hour from now, tomorrow or in a month.  I'm okay with that. I really am.
Because today the sun is pouring in my window and the sky is blue. Today. It really is blue!

FA has taught me to live in the moment. Just be. I know by now to dive into the wave of emotions rather than ignore them.
Fortunately or unfortunately, life has prepared for me for this. #battleready I call it. We are all in one. A battle. It just looks different for each person. Mine just happens to be a compromised digestive system, a diagnosis of Friedreich's Ataxia and now stage IV breast cancer.  A new challenge, for sure but it doesn't change my direction or my outlook on life. God is still God. And He is still good. So good.
This journey started the first week in January. After the initial appointment when it was believed to be cancer, I left my doctors office and turned to my mom and said, "Well, buckle up."

And not only has my family buckled up, they are holding me up. Literally. Every stinking appointment they have been there. My friends. Incredible. The Lord. Amazing.

This story, His story, is not over. I may not understand it or like it but that doesn't give me reason to not be faithful in it.

So today, I will choose to rest in Him. That's all I can do. Really, that's all I want to do. And lots of laughing. Don't forget the laughter.

Even if the brain scan doesn't turn out the way I want it to, I'll make a choice to laugh. Maybe through tears but I'll still choose joy.

You heard it here, folks. You can hold me accountable.
I'm #battleready.

game on!

It Takes Hope

'Twas the night before my oncology appointment,
when all through the house Barkley was snoring,
not at all like a mouse;
the unknown of this cancer hovering in the air,
 in hopes of the right medical team that'll be full of care.

These past three weeks have been a major blur,
trusting on treatments, the docs will concur.

 While my faith is tested and the outcome unclear;
 I have absolutely no doubt that God is so near.

My dog is always cuddling, the fire is lit, my focus on Him; His love won't quit.

Friends are encouraging, I'm doing okay. I trust in His mercies, they're new everyday.

Many are hurting; it's hard to understand, but I know God's got this, He has a plan.

People seem to question; it seems so unfair. But not for a second do I say He doesn't care.

This guy is a trooper.

My life is hard yet so full of hope. I'm battle ready. He'll help me cope.

Tomorrow is the day I long to know more. My family's been awesome. They love me to my core.

Thank YOU so much for joining this fight. Your support is amazing. Carrying the load and making it light.

The time has come to "get-er-done!" I'm confident in God. I say that -He's already won!

getting my port placed

wanting and waiting.

This past weekend I witnessed my nephew say, "I do" to his girlfriend of three years. The following day I hugged my niece good-bye for her second semester of her freshman year of college. It wasn't until the hotel door shut that I bawled. And I mean bawled.
Time has flown by and The Cousin Sleepovers are a thing of the past. Life continues and new memories are made.
Not being a mom is one of things in my life that stings. And not being married, hurts. It's the one area that makes me feel less than, patronized and lonely. Even writing those words makes me cringe. I fear the responses of people who mean well but only magnify how my life seems misunderstood.
But what I can't do is misunderstand how big God is. He is confusing but not discouraging. I can't view him through a distorted lens. I need to accept He is God.  And thank God,  I'm not.
Indeed, I would write my story differently. I'd be married, live somewhere warm, be a special education teacher and be a mom to twins. A boy and girl.
That's not my story.
So I live in this tension of wanting and waiting. Which turns into trusting. Believing the journey I am on is the exact story He's writing.
The life of less than, patron ism and loneliness is a lie. I can't live in that.
I choose to live in the moment. That moment may look like the ugly cry as my niece gets on a plane to college. Or it may mean watching my nephew drive away in a car marked JUST MARRIED. But it's His story, I just need to be faithful.
Don't misunderstand me, that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I do like this guy, though.
all gussied up for my nephews wedding. :)

quote of the year.

I was texting a friend the day after Christmas.

Me: We did it.
Friend: It wasn't pretty but we made it.
Me: Proud of you.
       This season is brutal.
       We can do it.

The conversation continued as we shared our melt downs. We reminded each other to breathe. We exchanged our love for one another. And in that moment, we weren't defined by our hurt. We weren't alone in the pain. The disappointment in our lives was acknowledged but not dwelt on. We are making the choice to move forward. Whatever that looks like.

For me, it's diving into the reality that my life is not how I thought it would be. It's crying, or screaming, when doing something that should be super simple is exhaustingly difficult or even impossible. It's accepting that I am facing another loss. My life is full of losses. But I am not losing. I'm not.

It feels good to write that. I read those words and the things I have gained in my life because of my journey, flash through my mind. It's a choice. I don't always make the right one. But I know I have a choice.

This holiday season is hard. It seems to magnify everything. Family, money, time, friendships, future...most of the things that are out of my control. But the very things that I can choose better.

FA is not pretty. But I can make it. It won't be without loneliness, fear or tears. I know that. But just as I cry hard, I laugh hard. Life is hard. With or without FA.

After I finished texting my friend, I listened to a podcast with Craig Groeschel. I'm not one to pick a word for the year. This will be my quote for the year. No, not just for 2017 but my life.

"You don't have to understand the plan to trust God has a purpose."

Happy Holidays.
We can do this.

you can't have one without the other.

This past week I had the privilege of speaking to the men and women's golf team at Hope College. I was asked not because I am a golfer (obviously) or an alumni of Hope College (which I am) but because I have a story. I know, we all do. Trust me, my self doubt and insecurities did not let me forget that. But my story is not one to keep to myself. It is filled with His promises. His patience. And His presence.

I am beginning to piece this all together. The doubt, the fear, the anger; they were a huge part of my story. I painfully admit, they still play a role. Thankfully, they aren't the lead characters anymore. God is.

As I worked through my story, I realized the two can co-exist. For so long, I thought I shouldn't hurt if I really had hope. I know that sounds silly.  Even writing it, I can't believe I was believing that lie.

I face timed one of my sisters to go over what I had prepared to share at Hope. I have three older sisters. She and I have been pegged as the emotional ones in the family. I like to think she is more sappy then me but if I'm honest, we both can hold our own in the "wear our emotions on our sleeve department" pretty evenly.

I thought I had practiced enough on my own. I felt prepared for the parts of the talk that would hurt and cause me to be a bit more emotional. What I didn't plan for was the two of us getting hit with raw feelings.  Man, did we cry. I can't speak for her but I was surprised with the part of my story that hurt so bad. It really hurt. The difference for me this time is I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt, I still have hope.

Yes, a hope of a cure, for sure. But finally I have a hope of His promises. A hope of His patience. And a hope of His presence. It's so freeing to say that. It's even more liberating to believe it. Finally, the freedom to trust in Him.

Don't be disillusioned in thinking I have arrived. That couldn't be further from the truth. But those college kids made me realize that hurt and hope can co-exist. Actually, there has to be both to search for the purpose to the pain.

Thanks, Hope College men and women golf teams, for challenging me in my journey and allowing me to share my story. I believe we were all made for something more.

It Takes Hope

Two words. Look beyond. 

I've been repeating them. Over and over. It took me a long time to be able to really do this. Those two words freaked. me. out.The thought of my future was scary, overwhelming and unknown. It still can be. But I no longer want to vomit when I hear those words. I don't know or even want to know what's ahead. When I was first aware that my body was becoming my enemy, I tried desperately to hang on to my faith. I had no idea what that looked like but it sure sounded good. In the back of my mind I remember wanting so badly to have the faith of a giant but truly feeling the size of a Nat when it came to expectations of my future. I needed to look beyond.

I often tell my clients that the head and the heart are only 12 inches away. But my heart is  miles and miles away from what I know to be true. Facts verses feelings. FAITH. Besides being a lot of "F" words, I desired to be filled with hope and not fear.

Years ago, the acronym of FA-ITH  (It Takes Hope) began and I didn't even know it. All these years, my heart was catching up with my head.

This entry doesn't mean I have arrived. Far from it. But it does mean that on my good days I am able to look beyond. And thankfully, I am in a chapter in my story that the good days are outweighing the bad ones. I'm looking beyond with expectations.

In order for me to hope for the future, I scroll through my photos and remember where I've been. And this one reminds me that it will be worth it. If not today, the end of my story.

About a year ago, a friend of mine created a logo that I had printed on t-shirts and hoodies. It was my intention to raise awareness for this rare disease and in the process donate the money earned to FARA. (Friedreich's Ataxia Research Alliance)  The first campaign was embraced by my close friends and family. Mostly because I begged them to buy a hoodie. The second campaign I promoted it through a promise. If I sold 150 FA-ith t-shirts and hoodies, I would tattoo the logo on my body. Honestly, I set this goal thinking it was unattainable. But on March 11, I had to fulfill my promise and get inked. I gathered some friends and we made the trek over to Chicago so I would permanently be reminded to look beyond as I have the FA-ITH to believe that It Takes Hope. 

the finished tattoo

 I told my friends that I was going to kiss the first stranger that asked me about my tattoo. Well, last week  the sales lady at the Outpost in downtown Holland was the first person to ask me about it. And poor thing,  I gave her an earful. She was so kind to listen and even knew my story a little as we have a mutual friend.. :) Although I spared her from a kiss, I gave her a hug and thanked her for asking.

I am continually wrestling with the tension of knowing that I need to look beyond my circumstances. But I am constantly  tripped up in the present. The losses are great. And constant. But it's in the middle of the pain, that's real. That's raw. That's life. Mine is a life with FA, unfortunately. But when I look beyond, I see having FA as fortunate.

Easier said than done.

The other day I heard someone quote A.W. Tozer and I can't get it out of my mind. Honestly, it's driving me nuts.  These few words are propelling me to look at my life through a different lens.

 “It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.” ― A.W. Tozer

Most days, I struggle to say or even believe that FA is a blessing. This disability has drastically changed the course of my life forever. The majority of the time, I hate living with FA. Often times, I am trapped in a body that won't work and that spirals into my mind filled with negative thoughts. But what I can try to communicate and even trust is that God is real. And because of FA, I am able to notice the blessings. I am wounded deeply but I want to be used greatly.

That scares the daylights out of me. I have no clue what that even looks like. But those simple words can have a profound effect on the way I do life. I just need to let them take root. Easier sad than done, I know. Believe me, I know.

I can't even count how many times I have said to friends 'I don't get it.' in the past two weeks. There are people in my life that are enduring a hurt so deep that makes absolutely no sense. I texted one of these friends over the holiday weekend, knowing it would be a tough time for her. She responded honestly in her text, "It's hard. I'm not a fan of holidays." As I inhaled, I exhaled these words in my response, "Yeah, holidays are hard when you're hurting. I guess I've been hurting for a long time."

I have been in pain for awhile. And I'm not referring to the physical struggle.  It's the emotional pain that's tripping me up. The ongoing disappointments that clog my thoughts with darkness. And major doubt. Along with an all consuming fear. I need to see the road of FA as a destination and not a detour. Easier said than done, I know. Trust me, I know.

That's my problem. I can't believe or even trust my feelings. My feelings are my downfall. It's my faith that I should focus on. I need to believe Him and trust that He doesn't waste a second of this pain. He loves me. He hates FA. Just like He loves you and hates whatever is causing you to hurt.

As I get older, I'm okay with saying I don't get it. I may never understand it. And that's okay. As long as I'm loving the one who does.
Thy Will Be Done. (click on the link and you'll hear the song I can't stop playing) Or read the words from St. Theresa's prayer hanging over Barkley's bed. And just breathe.

Easier said than done.

Unfortunately, I know.