the "laugh" wall.

I'm dying. I know, we all are, sooner or later but today, I am feeling the urgency of the "sooner." That's the part of Friedreich's Ataxia that I don't think about. Or simply put, I don't allow myself to think about. But the reality is, this diagnosis is suppose to shorten my life. Research states that my heart may give out or I'll develop diabetes that will eventually wear me out. The studies of FA have shown that my vision and my hearing will deteriorate. I'm dying. Plain and simple. And I feel the urgency of this dumb disease that has progressed thus far in my life. I have FA and I'm dying.
Perhaps this thought process was triggered by the Hearst parked in the parking lot of my place of employment this morning. The back end was open and curiosity got the best of me. I quickly perused the parking lot to see if anyone would notice me making my way to sneak a better peak. It was empty. But my mind immediately transported me to thoughts of my own coffin being hoisted into the open "station wagon." I think it was all down hill from there. By the time I reached my office and turned on the computer, my funeral was planned and I envisioned the songs that would be sung and friends who would attend. Morbid, I know. But true.
Reality is I have FA and I'm dying.
It has been studied and approved that a specific supplement would be highly effective in treating the symptoms that come with FA. I have known this for several months but was instructed not to take it until the study with Chantix was over. I have left no stone unturned as I made attempts to find the cheapest way to afford this supplement. A med that will not only protect my heart but has proved to improve speech and coordination of those with FA. FA that is killing me.
My efforts feel in vain as the urgency of this disease seeped into every fiber of my being today. I bit the bullet and ordered 6 bottles of this supplement that will only last me 6 weeks for $200. As I clicked the mouse to submit the order for a vitamin that may help me talk better or aid my ticker to tick, I realized how irritating FA really is. I didn't have the option to buy designer jeans with that money. A choice that has been taken from me yet again.
I have no control over FA. But what I can control is what I am going to do to fight against the death grip it may have on me and so many others with this diagnosis. It's not going to suffocate me. I won't let it. I know it's big. So much bigger than me but so is God. FA is nothing to Him. I have to believe that. It helps the urgency of days like today. Knowing full well that I am dying.
We all are.
FA or not.
Last night, a friend helped me finish hanging photos on my "laugh" wall. As I type this, the faces of friends and family are reminding me it's going to be okay. Death is a reality and a treatment or cure for FA will soon be one, too. And I'll spend time making a point to laugh along the way.
Enjoying my life in death.