wheelchair to unicycle.

photo credit goes to my friend, Josh.

Saturday, May 18 was Friedreich Ataxia Awareness Day. I am totally bummed that this is even a day. At the same time, I am elated that it is a designated day. That means people are aware and fighting like crazy for this awful disease to be eliminated. 20 years ago I had no clue what FA even was and what was ahead of  me living with a degenerative disorder. We all live with 'could have, should have, would haves'...I have a ton of those.
But I long to live in the "what will be" or the "what now"? The above photo hopefully shows that. Although a bit disturbing, I think it's hilarious and so exciting for what lies ahead for the future of FA. In efforts to raise awareness for Friedreich's Ataxia Awareness Day, FARA hosted a nation wide campaign. The hope is that soon FA will no longer stand for Friedreich's Ataxia- so what will it represent? It is crazy to allow myself the possibility that one day FA won't be an issue and I will feel awesome!
Next week is my 4th visit to USF.  Last month I checked in over the phone. It's been a long month. I am anxious to return and check in with those in my life who are committed to finding a cure. Their dedication is contagious. It motivates me and reminds me that maybe one day I'll ride a unicycle to work and not my wheelchair.

day after day.

"I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.” This has been ringing in my ear since Tuesday of this week. I trust that is finding that place in my heart that can be occupied by loneliness. It is a reminder that I am not alone- ever. If I picture a friend telling me this over a cup of coffee, I am sure my eyes would fill with tears at the moment. But as soon as they leave, I am quite certain we would eventually forget about each other. Not intentionally, but life happens.
The cool thing about this verse found in Matthew 28:20 is that it is the words of Jesus spoken to me and you, the friend I forgot about. He is always with me. I am never alone- ever.
For me, at this moment, that is so comforting. I won't lie and tell you at other times in my life that has been terrifying. 
Having FA can be lonely. Most of the time, I feel forgotten. It is such a good reminder that He is with me day after day, right up to the end...a true friend indeed.
It is about this time when I begin to tap into the anxiety regarding the details of my next trip. I know it will all come together. It always does.

 

It's time to go back. I've missed this place.

...just barged right in

I'm stuck inside my head today. I'm sure it's because I literally feel stuck inside the house. This Michigan Spring is for the birds. Well, not really, they must be regretting leaving the warmth of the south. I know I would. I think everyone up here is more than ready for the freedom to go outside without your nose hairs freezing together or your eyes tearing from the frigid wind.

outside the hotel in Florida- I can feel the warmth of the sun through this photo! :)

Today, I didn't need the help of the bitter air to help the gushing of tears. My bitter spirit is doing a great job in that department. Days like these in which A is certainly capitalized in FA, I long to push the fast forward button and move on.  But I lived with this long enough now that I know I just need to dive into my grief and allow my frustration, disappointment and even jealously to reside for a bit. These feelings will move on. I trust that. So, I cried this morning. No, I literally screamed and cried. And made room for the tears that fell down my cheeks. I am thankful for Barkley and his big brown eyes and wet square nose that laid by me as I threw a little fit. As I stroked his head and wept, I knew I had to allow my feelings in. They didn't ring the door bell, send me an email, tweeted or text me to let me know of their arrival, they just barged right in and took over for awhile. I am okay with that. I really am. It doesn't mean FA went away or that life will be easier. I just had to respect what was happening at the time.
Today, I am stuck in my head. FA is making my life appear a little grey or even foggy but I am not residing in this place. I know this, too, shall pass and the birds will sing with delight. I will be able to go outside without bundling up and I will be able to breathe without my nose hairs freezing. And the best part will be when I thinking NOTHING of FA. Oh, what a day that will be...until  then I'll repeat Deuteromy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you." and get THAT promise stuck in my head.

a pick me up.

This therapist needs some therapy. The lack of sun and the continual rain and cold temperatures is certainly taking a toll on my attitude. In times like these, I am thankful that I live alone. The other day my sister said she was hiding in her room because she and her husband were not getting along. It was at that moment when I realized that if I am in a bad mood the only "people" I have to deal with are  my dogs and they love me no matter what. Even when I am jerk. And don't worry, I know my dogs aren't people- it was just an analogy.
So tonight I will post some photos that make me smile from my last visit to USF. These are the memories that keep me going. And give me hope for a cure!

Jo loved this photo cuz I couldn't talk while they took my temperature. I guess she thinks I talk a lot. Just another bonus that I only live with dogs!

When we arrived in Florida. I received an email that Wings of Mercy wanted to take me home. They didn't need to offer twice. Flying commercial versus private is a no brainer. And it sure didn't hurt that it was a jet!

Jo, Barkley and I inside the jet

I am so grateful for Wings Of Mercy!

Clinic #3 and Dr. Z

I think I channeled a bear and went into hibernation this past week. I opted not to spend Spring Break with my family this year as every second of vacation and sick days are spent on this clinical study. As it is, I have no more paid time off. Well, throw that responsible thinking out the window. I have been sleeping this "bug" out of my body the whole entire week and weekend. Who knew one can sleep so much?? I put any bear to shame the past 100 plus hours! While this little burst of energy lasts, I thought I'd better update the blog for the few faithful followers (say that five times fast) out there.
This trip wasn't without a few hiccups but overall it went great. Wings of Mercy had to cancel their flight a week  before. Needless to say this caused a bit of anxiety. I was blessed with a friend who allowed me to purchase tickets at a fantastic deal with the catch that every flight Jo and I were on stand by. It was an early start to the day as we arrived at the airport at 5 AM in hopes to get to Tampa. And we did!

our second flight of the trip down there- NY to FL!

Upon arrival, Jo and I found an AWESOME second hand store and treated ourselves to one of my favorite food places.

It was emotional visit for me. Everything about it. The peace I feel. The joy of the sun on me. The warmth of familiarity. The fondness of "new" friendships. The commitment to a cure. The confidence in God's plan. The whole thing.

My parents stopped by on their way down to their vacation spot for the week. It was fun to meet at USF and act like it was "no big thing" we were able to do that. COME ON!! HOW COOL IS THAT??!!! Obviously, I thought it was pretty cool.

And my reason for the visit was clinic #3 and Dr. Z and team. As usual, it was the highlight. I sound like a broken record but it is so refreshing to feel as if you play a part in the cure for FA. Tears were shared and hearts were nudged as we continue to do our part in the bigger picture of what God has painted.

Now that this bear is out of her cave, it's time to work on my next  clinic appointment in May. The month of April will be monitored over the phone. Maybe the next trip I'll return home to Spring!

wax on wax off

 The last visit was the 3 day base line at clinic. I started the time with a questionnaire that was very confusing- it seemed like it was written to trip you up. I kinda felt suckered and wanted to yell, "quit messing with me!" Chris aka Ginger thinks I'm  a nut case already so this outburst would only confirm his impression of me. I am sure he wondered why they weren't studying my psychological condition instead of focusing on FA.  One of my mantras is that it's better to laugh than cry! I certainly do my fair share of both.

After I completed the "written" part of the test, I went to another part of the campus that focused on my hearing. I had to undergo four different tests and few of them are shown here:

The screen on the right is the inside of my right ear. Wax free. The left ear? Disgusting!!

 The team reassured me that this was common. Hello, Q-tips!

Truth be known, I pretended to be in a recording studio for this portion of the test.

Four people were focused on tests throughout the day. I was so impressed with them and their commitment to the job. One more reason to love USF!

It's mid March and feels more like mid February. There is snow still on the ground. I'm still dependant on my electric blanket. And I find myself dressing for temperature in the negatives! My next visit can't come soon enough.

Unstoppable.

On my last visit we were driving through the campus of the University of South Florida and I spotted a banner that decorated a lamp post. It sent chills down my spine and I fumbled for my camera and took this photo.
For those of you squinting to make out the word, it says "UNSTOPPABLE". How appropriate. Very timely.
A friend of mine, who is a speaker, challenges his audiences before the new year approaches to pick out a word for the year. A word that you may feel God leads you to- a challenge or even a praise. It's a great idea. I have never done it. Sorry, Doug. It's nothing personal. I am not one to jump on a band wagon just because a lot of people around me are doing it.
But I think this has become my word. It picked me. There were banners on almost every lamp post and it is a huge campus. I never saw this particular one repeated. "UNSTOPPABLE". It's my word for this study. It's my belief in a God that is using people like Dr. Z and Dr. Kelly and SO many others working toward a common goal in finding a cure for FA. How encouraging.
This past week, I had resolved myself to the idea that I needed to fly commercial as the option of Wings of Mercy would not be available. Of course the clinic time is during Spring Break for most people and that would mean a very pricey flight. Through a friend and an answer to prayer, I was able to purchase a flight at a reduced rate. At the exact same time, Wings of Mercy emailed me to let me know a pilot signed up. UNSTOPPABLE.

It is a blast to see how God has this all figured out. I am so humbled to be a part of it all. There is no stopping Him and what he has planned.
And yes, He even uses bull headed people like me.